Archive for category Hail Pleasar

Harry P. Alms,

To be honest, there isn’t really any sort of sure-fire way to achieve what it is you’re asking for. It’s an incredible combination of personality, stability, perceived appearances, and luck, all of which carry their own variables depending on the potential partner you may or may not be pursuing with luck ranking as the most difficult to have any sort of control over. Besides, I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, be it through advice given to you from others or advice you’ve given to others.

If there’s one thing you can do to increase any chance you might have with someone whom you’d like to begin a relationship, it’s to subscribe to complete honesty. And I don’t mean to simply be honest about past actions or scenarios or behaviors (which is something you should be honest about anyway), but really to be honest with and about your feelings. You have to both trust and show that you trust. You have to let go of fear.

Letting go of fear, especially when it comes to relationships, is a very big deal. To open oneself takes a great deal of courage and leaves one vulnerable. Many people miss out on great opportunities based on a fear of rejection, playing into a head-game that is both cyclical and disabling.

I’m going to quote the Bible. It, along with various other scriptures rooted in various sects of theology and philosophy, is a pretty incredible source of wisdom—regardless of whether or not one subscribes to the beliefs associated with it.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

As for your second question, why not? I personally haven’t given them a shot, but I do know people who have and they’ve had varying degrees of success. You see, dating sites are really just another opportunity to meet new people—people you’d most likely not meet otherwise. And based on what you’ve said, about having been dating and meeting people, it would seem that a dating site might be worth looking into. Hell, why not include speed dating or singles parties into the equation? It’s sounding like the pool of people that you’re meeting and/or dating is not broad enough.

You’re already getting out there, now it’s time to get out even further.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Poor Scholar,

In the summer of 1999, I played drums in a band called Shananagans. We were a punk rock quartet living in a 15-seat passenger van for two months, playing shows across the country on our self-booked DIY tour.

It can get a little boring on the longer stretches of road. I had packed a few books with me for such occasions, most of them written by Kurt Vonnegut. Two months is a long time to go one the road with only a few books, though. Throughout the course of the tour, I’d picked up a few more.

Eventually I had a nice collection going. The problem with living in a van, though, is that space becomes a rather limited commodity. Rather than throwing things away, I decided to give away my books once I had finished them to people who showed any interest. Some of them were trades while others were gifts. When those who had nothing to trade asked what they could do in payment, I told them to simply pass along the book to someone else when they were done.

I’m a firm believer in Karma and in The Golden Rule. Is it okay to grab those used books? Sure, but don’t forget to give back what you’ve taken. It can literally be placing those exact same books back when you’re done with them or other books that you no longer have use for—or both. To put it into layman’s terms, pay it forward. The bad thing to do would be to take without returning back to the Universe.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

NiTwit,

What possible reason would you have to keep your blossoming new relationship a secret? It’s one thing to have concern for your ex and another to accidentally burden your new relationship.

There is no reason for you to “protect” your ex from the knowledge of you having moved on. In fact, news of this particular situation getting back to your new interest could potentially stir up an unnecessary quarrel. Imagine yourself as the new interest. Wouldn’t something like this potentially cause you to overanalyze the situation? Perhaps it might strike fear and uncertainty? Don’t fear and uncertainty lead to anger and frustration? Once there, very few options exist outside of confrontation.

And what would all of that be for? An ex? Is that even worth it? Besides, the only concern you should have for your ex is the same humanist concern we should all have for everyone in the world—that is, to say, a general notion of goodwill and a hope that no one falls under harm. That’s it. Your cares and concerns should be focused on you and your new mate.

Anything short of that could be seen as an escape plan.

“But I don’t want to hurt them unnecessarily if this new relationship doesn’t work out.”

I know you didn’t say that—and probably aren’t thinking it—but I feel it’s worth bringing up for others. You see, thoughts like that are a crock of shit. So what if the new relationship doesn’t work out? Plenty of relationships don’t. And, who knows, maybe the next one will… or the next one after that… or the following one….

The fact of the matter is, people need to look and move forward. If an ex is having a difficult time with that, that is their own problem, quite frankly. Eventually they are going to have to learn to deal with it as best they can.

Don’t sacrifice your happiness, your ability to live daily without feelings of guilt, over an ex. Doing that would just be preposterously absurd.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Heteroflexible,

Allow me to propose the following scenario: If your boyfriend makes out with other girls at RollerCon—or anywhere else for that matter—would you consider that cheating?

Monogamy is monogamy is monogamy regardless of gender, location, time of day, day of the week, cosmic plane, planetary alignment, et cetera. The notion that certain circumstances would warrant the acceptability of infidelity in the midst of a monogamous relationship is absolutely ludicrous.

Now, if he (or anyone’s partner for that matter) had been okay with the scenario proposed or if the relationship were open, I would say to feel free to play some tonsil hockey. That’s a completely different scenario altogether. What makes it so different is that the situation is already understood.

The idea that “it’s okay at RollerCon” or “oh, it’s just another girl so that doesn’t count” is ridiculous if monogamy is involved. If one is single or in an open relationship, anything is fair. My take on your specific situation? Your friends are simply trying to convince you to make-out with them.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Crusher,

This is tricky one. Normally if someone had walked up to me and asked me this in person, I would have posed quite a few follow-up questions in order to get a better understanding of the situation. I will, however, try to answer as best I can with the information given to me.

My initial reaction when I first read this was to tell you to wait it out considering you said you don’t know if you’re “willing, able or ready to date”. That could be seen as a red flag. It wouldn’t be incorrect, either. It’s not, however, the whole picture.

There are two parts to what you said, the first of which I’ve just mentioned—the unwillingness or inability. The second part to it, though, is the willingness and openness to the idea. If you truly weren’t willing or open to the idea, you wouldn’t have even considered the notion in the first place let alone written me an e-mail.

That said, I’m sure there are a number of variables to take into consideration. I can say at least that much with some certainty based on you questioning your willingness or ability to date. I’m sensing some fear, but I think it’s fear for what some might consider the right reasons.

The nice thing about a crush is that it can be very innocent. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for you not to indulge in it as such. Keep in mind, though, that there’s no need to rush anything. You will know when the time is right. In the meantime, feel free to be giddy when he’s around and enjoy the crush.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar