Archive for category Hail Pleasar

Befuddled,

Ah, yes, the wonders of the “bros before hos” or “pals before gals” adage. The moral of it is that people should think first of their friendships as flings generally come and go and true friendship lasts a lifetime. Like many proverbs, though, it can be misinterpreted and taken to an exaggerated extreme.

Let’s look at your case, for example. Friends should look out for each other, yes, but it’s a two-way street. The obviously interested friend should have seen the writing on the wall, cut his losses early, left you and your target alone to converse, and moved on to the next prospect. That would have been the respectable thing to do. Instead, I imagine there was an extended uncomfortable situation of uncertainty.

But let’s not lay all the blame on him. If there was chemistry between you and the guy you were hitting on, it would also have been up to him to step up his game. Instead, for whatever reason, he thought it appropriate to be exceptionally polite to his comrade. Therein lies the misinterpretation of the “bros before hos” mantra.

When should a bro first think of a ho? When the original “plan” is not working out. Every situation, whether social or business, needs to be reassessed on a regular basis. In social occasions, such as the one you described, reassessment should occur rapidly and frequently and adjustments should be made accordingly. Remember: friends should always look out for friends.

I submit to you that you did not strike-out but, rather, lucked out by avoiding a potentially pathetic situation. Bros before hos, yes, but we must all remember to look out for number one in the end. No one wants a wishy-washy mate and it sounds to me like you avoided one. Both of these guys played their cards incorrectly, one by being inopportunely zealous and the other by being unfittingly deferential.

If you ever find yourself in a similar scenario again, leave them be and search for better potential. They’ll either figure it out or you’ll find yourself a better suitor. Either way, you win.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

SoCal Rollergirl,

The prospect of a secret admirer is rather flattering. If I were one to blush, I imagine I would be doing so right now. That being said, this is actually a very excellent question.

When I start to think about my responses to the inquiries posed here, I make it a point to pull myself back for a moment and attempt to see things from a broader perspective. I’ll be doing the same here by removing myself from the equation and answering your question the way I would had I not been mentioned specifically.

Ahem.

A crush is a very curious thing. I’m of the opinion that there are two types. The first is what’s generally referred to as an “innocent crush”. These are usually held at a distance, admiring from afar with no intention of pursuance—a small indulgence. The crux of this type of crush focuses on the unattainable aspect.

The second type goes beyond the unattainable and relishes in the infatuation aspect of a crush. I believe it to be the more intense of the two varieties. This particular type of crush isn’t satisfied with admiring from a distance and desires romance.

The first thing you should do is ask yourself which of the two types of crush you have. If it’s the first type, that may very well be enough left alone—a delicious revisit to childhood with an accelerating heartbeat, a fancy that will eventually pass. If it’s the second type, why not address it further? Try dropping subtle hints… or even not-so-subtle hints sprinkled with a dash of flirtatiousness.

Sit back and figure out what it is, if anything, you’d like to come out of this crush and then take the appropriate action. The last thing you’ll want is regret as a result of misapplied inaction.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Confused,

Your history of sexual abuse has most likely played its role in your perception of relationships, your seeming inability to connect on a physical level, yes. That’s no reason, however, to give up hope for a healthy, committed relationship.

You’re 24, have had two relationships, and two crushes. There’s nothing abnormal or incorrect about that; sounds like a fair number and natural to me. We’re all very different and in very different ways. Everyone’s life is unique, everyone’s tastes are varied, and we all express ourselves differently. I, myself, was a late bloomer in that respect… to the point where some of my relatives assumed I was gay because I wasn’t as open or expressive about my crushes at the age of 12 as my sisters and cousins were. Relationships aren’t a game and there is no high score or checklist of things that should be compared to contemporaries. In the end, relationships are about what makes each of us happy, not about proverbial notches on the bedpost.

I don’t believe that people “become gay” as a result of abuse. The notion that one gender is inherently more prone to being abusive than the other doesn’t hold water. People are people, regardless of gender—a monster is a monster. Is it possible that there could be a correlation? Sure. People being attracted to both genders falls more in line with personal tastes, though. I, for one, could never “become gay”; I just don’t like dudes that way.

Based on what I’ve read in your letter, I don’t think you’re asexual. You enjoy orgasms and, therefore, are not “without sexual feelings or associations^[1]“. The fact that they’re easier to achieve on your own doesn’t mean you’re asexual.

There is, indeed, hope for you (to use your words) and I don’t believe that you’re incapable of connecting on a physical level. The fact that you want to do so means that you’re fully able. With the history of abuse you’ve described it seems only natural that you might have hesitations or difficulty in maintaining a physical relationship, but that’s not the end of the world and not any reason whatsoever to abandon hope.

Do what makes you happy, what makes you at peace and comfortable in life. Patience is, as is often said, a virtue. There is no need to force or rush anything. The day may come when you’ll cross paths with someone and enjoy every syrupy, romantic cliché. It also might not. That’s no reason to give up if it doesn’t, though. Live every day and enjoy living it. You’re 24. You have many wonderful years ahead of you. Everything in due time.

A few Christmases ago, my mom gave me a rather timely gift. She took a quote from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden, decorated it ornately and framed it. I think it might apply to your situation.

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Dude,

Is it acceptable? Why, of course! The thing about life that we all should keep in mind is that it’s for living. I would not have had half the adventures I’ve had if it weren’t for spontaneity. It’s good to take a chance, to live for today. There is nothing unreasonable with the notion of exploring opportunity.

That’s not to say, though, that it’s fine to live with reckless abandon. We have a responsibility to both ourselves and to others. There is, indeed, a time for work and a time for play. We must be sure that we, ourselves, are prepared and that we don’t leave others with a mess. There is very much a karmic balance with business and pleasure.

Moderation and compromise are two things we should always have in mind. That being said, why not do both? Plan for a shorter trip and enjoy the vacation you deserve. Utilize the rest of the time preparing for the onslaught of reality that is just around the bend. Time is a valuable commodity that should be spent wisely. Splitting it between business and pleasure will feed both parts of your sanity.

The thing about opportunities is that they present themselves more often than we think. Recognizing these moments and taking advantage of them when the time is right is a talent that takes time. Life is not always all-or-nothing. There are many chances for many things and it is not necessarily the end of the world if we miss them the first time around.

But why go through the trouble of a secretive investigation? I suppose there might be a thrill in secrecy and being spytacular, but is an invasion of privacy necessary? That just brings about an incorrect method of learning about someone as it could, very easily, lead to assumption. A better route would be to ask any and all questions you might have. Immediate openness is a great foundation. You might learn a few things from snooping, but you won’t get the whole story unless you ask.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

The Cap’n,

As luck would have it, I, too, recently formed a co-ed roller derby team. It turns out, though, that just before our first bout, the opposing team was short nearly half their roster. Being the nice captain that I am, I graciously let them recruit one of my alternates. Well, wouldn’t you know it, before too long they went on a recruiting spree grabbing any ringer they possibly could, including some formidable skaters who actually did not meet the supposed requirements to be on the teams! Incredible!

Rather than complaining, though, my team went through with the challenge honorably rather than succumbing to the wiles of cheating. By sticking to our guns, we came out the true winners. Ha!

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

P.S.—You are totally going down next year!

P.P.S.—Footage from this rivalry can be seen in three parts:

1. Part One
2. Part Two
3. Part Three