Dearus Julius Pleasar,
I find myself in a bizarro situation and request your advice on the matter. I must resort back to 3–2-1 Contact methods and mention that the names are made up, but the problems are real. Let me give you a li’l background info.
I was living in Saskatoon, which is in Canada, and met a charming Canadian guy named W. We ended up living together for a year until I had to move back to the States. W. found a job and moved in with me. We had always experienced some communication issues and other minor problems, because I was W.‘s first girlfriend. He claimed that he was not a good communicator, which is an understatement.
However, over time, W. did not develop any friendships or participate in any activities other than Playing-A-Computer-Game-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named with his work friends in a purely online environment. The romance in our relationship dwindled down to non-existent, and we were more like cohabitants than anything else. I became uncomfortable around him and didn’t even like to give “hello kisses” anymore. I started to have a complex about myself and thought I was undesirable. I developed a friendship with a younger classmate of mine and found excitement spending time with him. Although nothing physical ever happened, a definite change had occurred in my mind. Because of the tricky international/living/financial situation, I thought it was difficult to end things with W.
Months later, I made plans to move to another city for school, and W. eventually found a job in Vancouver and moved back to Canada. Currently, I like W. as a friend. We are both living in different places doing our own thing, but we never actually discussed the status of our “relationship”. According to his Facebook, he is still in a relationship, and he has a picture of the two of us as his profile picture.
I studied abroad in Switzerland while W. and I were still living together and met a perfect dreamboat, whom I shall call L.C., the last night I was there. It was by chance that we started talking after a party when everyone was going home. Conversing with L.C. came so naturally; it made me realize that nothing was wrong with me! Skipping ahead, L.C. and I had a hot night of That-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named, and I was totally comfortable with him and was rid of my complex.
I have kept in touch with L.C. through e-mails, and he is now working in Vermont for six months. I sent a message inviting him to visit me or travel with me to the Pacific Northwest, and he actually seemed highly interested.
I realize that what was supposed to be a small amount of background info seems like a lot, but, trust me, it is actually brief. To sum up my issues:
- W. is living in another country, and I’m not sure where our relationship stands. Do I let it be or do something about it? I do not know how he feels about the subject, but in my mind, we are currently friends.
- I have major affections for L.C. and need to know how I can see him again while we are in the same country.
- I am looking to meet interesting guys that aren’t teeny boppers at my new school. Most of my classmates are six years younger than me. So far I find my TA’s to be the most promising candidates, but that is probably a bad idea.
- [Sidenote] I also need a roommate.
I trust that you are all-knowing and can help me with my sitch. Render unto Pleasar that which is Pleasar’s–including the ability to deny comments! I, for one, am glad that you don’t allow comments, because I am writing to you, not THEM! So please give me your two cents.
Hopeful in Hanna, Montana
Hopeful in Hanna, Montana,
At Hail Pleasar, names and faces are always changed. Anonymity is a priority here, so much that I’ve whittled down the pseudonyms you’ve provided to initials.
In any case, you already have your answers. Everything before your summary list was just you rationalizing to yourself the decisions you’ve already made and have either already acted upon or have yet to for whatever reason. Now it’s time for that final push.
- You think of W. as a friend. He obviously thinks of you as more than a friend. You need to own up to yourself, to your emotions, and tell him. Whatever excuses you have in your head for not having done it sooner, ditch them. You know where your relationship stands and now it’s time for you to let W. know. Man up, woman.
- Let L.C. know you want to see him. He will either be receptive or dismissive. Either way, you’ll have your answer and you can stop wondering. You say he seems “highly interested”, now make definite plans that fall on a specific date. You have a limited amount of time available so go get a move on. Man up, woman.
- Dating your TA is not only a bad idea, it’s scholarly unethical and could impose disciplinary action on that TA. Besides, who says that you’re limited to meeting people in your classes? There are plenty of other social avenues to explore—coffee shops, study groups, extracurricular activities, bars, clubs, knitting circles, sports clubs, etc. Get out there and start introducing yourself to people. Man up, woman.
- Put an ad out on craigslist and make flyers to post on the boards across campus and local coffee shops.
Decisions are only as difficult as you make them. Your situation is “bizarro” because you’ve allowed it to be. Let go of fear and stop dragging things out, otherwise you’ll end up giving yourself an ulcer.
Man up, woman.
Just my $0.02