Archive for August, 2009

c0nfuz0rd 1337 h4x0r,

They say that, do they? They say a lot of things, they do.

I believe what They mean to say is that They find it too easy to misread emphasis and intention—it’s more of a reflexive problem and not necessarily universal. That’s not to say that there aren’t inherent issues with text-based communication. Still, problems with communication exist regardless of the medium whether it be spoken word or written text. I’m quite certain we’ve all misunderstood someone in a telephone or face-to-face conversation. These things just happen.

There are plenty of ways to punctuate emphasis using the written word. Thanks largely to this whole New-Fangled Infrawebs, the last 20 years have seen an accelerated progress on this front. The use of asterisks to denote action, enclosing words between underscores to add emphasis, and even acronyms such as LOL—and even HOGMP or JEOMK—are all methods used to increase clarity.

A very delicate balance of both what one says and how one says things exists that contributes to understanding. I, for one, have been making very real attempts over the last few years at using fewer pronouns in order to be better understood. This is something that goes beyond the method of communication used and allows for much more coherent thought.

Do I believe that real-life love can exist across the Internet? Sure I do. The methods by which people maintain contact does not define their relationship. Something to keep in mind, though, is that it can possibly make for more trying circumstances. This is not a constant, per se, but the potential for difficulty may increase. As long as both parties understand the nature of their situation and take steps to offset the complication of it—regularly scheduled phone and IM conversations, carefully planned visits—the prospect of a relationship can blossom and flourish. This isn’t some sort of novel idea. It’s been done before and, really, the steps involved in maintaining this type of relationship aren’t any different than if both parties were within walking distance—it just requires an alternate avenue.

When it comes to safeguarding one’s heart and feelings online, it’s not unlike doing so “in real life”. The same goes for reading a person’s intent. A jerk will be a jerk despite any backdrop. Trust your intuition and don’t be afraid to ask questions or be blunt and you’ll be able to sniff-out the bad apples.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Concerned Blogger,

If you’re going to try to make a point and take a stand, be sure to plant your feet firmly in the ground. Ending with an unnecessary apology negated the 202 words that preceded said apology. Rather than dismiss your effort, though, I’ll indulge. I enjoy debating and consider myself a cunning linguist.

You should already know, when I walk in the do’, that it ain’t no use in frontin’ on me.

T. Pain, “Hustler’s Anthem ’09″

I must say, I had a hearty laugh when you called me condescending considering you were immediately supercilious with your subject. “Your ‘Blog’”? Nice. “Small attempt at being clever”? “Egocentric cyber babble”? Pot? Kettle? Black. To put it colloquially, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

But let’s continue with this whole “blog” business. This site makes absolutely no claim at being a blog. Far from it, it’s an advice column with topics ranging from the prepuce to pop music, sprinkled with elements of an editorial. You made a horribly grand assumption and that is entirely your own fault. As a good friend of mine likes to say, “expectations are the building blocks to resentment.” Or, as they say on Sesame Street, “that fish is not gonna bring that stick back to you.”

Comments are, indeed, disabled and done so with intent. You’re not the first person to notice or ask about it, so I figure I’ll take this opportunity to reference a recent conversation I had over instant message.

Them: Any reason why you close comments?
Me: Because it’s _my_ fucking column.
Them: :D

Once again, we revisit the fact that this is an advice column, a place for my opinions. Amazingly enough, this concept is not far-fetched. There are quite a few websites that I read on a regular basis which offer no mechanism for commenting directly on each post, notably John Gruber’s Daring Fireball. There is no difficultly in communicating with Gruber, for example. I’ve written to him on a few occasions, sometimes receiving a reply and other times not. Avenues exist and comments are not the only road. By disabling comments, I have not made it difficult for people to communicate with me. Case in point? You. You wrote this letter and I received it with little effort.

I find it difficult to believe that I leave “the reader even more suffocated in [my] thoughts and ideas, giving them no room to formulate their own”. You seem to have done well enough on your own—or are you implying that you’re of a class greater than my current readership, people who do seem to enjoy my “egocentric cyber babble”, an increasingly growing group. Why, this week alone, visits have gone up 515.38% on this website according to Google Analytics. That’s not including people who read the RSS feed or view the posts on the Hail Pleasar Facebook Fan Page.

This is not a public forum. An advice column works like this:

1. Someone finds themself in a predicament.
2. Said person is unable to make sense of this predicament.
3. This person then decides to seek assistance.
4. They write an e-mail to asking me for my opinion.
5. I read their e-mail and give it some thought.
6. I publish my reply on this website, which gets syndicated to the Hail Pleasar Facebook Fan Page and notices go out on Twitter.
7. I send an e-mail to the person, thanking them and letting them know that I’ve published my response and that they are more than welcome to ask any follow-up questions should they have any.

Contrary to what you would like to believe, it is not all about me. At the end of the day, though, it’s juliuspleasar.com and not letsallholdhandsandshareourfeelingsinapublicforum.com/emocorner. Your understanding of what’s going on here can only be described with one word^[1].

Excelsior,
Julius Pleasar

Befuddled,

Ah, yes, the wonders of the “bros before hos” or “pals before gals” adage. The moral of it is that people should think first of their friendships as flings generally come and go and true friendship lasts a lifetime. Like many proverbs, though, it can be misinterpreted and taken to an exaggerated extreme.

Let’s look at your case, for example. Friends should look out for each other, yes, but it’s a two-way street. The obviously interested friend should have seen the writing on the wall, cut his losses early, left you and your target alone to converse, and moved on to the next prospect. That would have been the respectable thing to do. Instead, I imagine there was an extended uncomfortable situation of uncertainty.

But let’s not lay all the blame on him. If there was chemistry between you and the guy you were hitting on, it would also have been up to him to step up his game. Instead, for whatever reason, he thought it appropriate to be exceptionally polite to his comrade. Therein lies the misinterpretation of the “bros before hos” mantra.

When should a bro first think of a ho? When the original “plan” is not working out. Every situation, whether social or business, needs to be reassessed on a regular basis. In social occasions, such as the one you described, reassessment should occur rapidly and frequently and adjustments should be made accordingly. Remember: friends should always look out for friends.

I submit to you that you did not strike-out but, rather, lucked out by avoiding a potentially pathetic situation. Bros before hos, yes, but we must all remember to look out for number one in the end. No one wants a wishy-washy mate and it sounds to me like you avoided one. Both of these guys played their cards incorrectly, one by being inopportunely zealous and the other by being unfittingly deferential.

If you ever find yourself in a similar scenario again, leave them be and search for better potential. They’ll either figure it out or you’ll find yourself a better suitor. Either way, you win.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

SoCal Rollergirl,

The prospect of a secret admirer is rather flattering. If I were one to blush, I imagine I would be doing so right now. That being said, this is actually a very excellent question.

When I start to think about my responses to the inquiries posed here, I make it a point to pull myself back for a moment and attempt to see things from a broader perspective. I’ll be doing the same here by removing myself from the equation and answering your question the way I would had I not been mentioned specifically.

Ahem.

A crush is a very curious thing. I’m of the opinion that there are two types. The first is what’s generally referred to as an “innocent crush”. These are usually held at a distance, admiring from afar with no intention of pursuance—a small indulgence. The crux of this type of crush focuses on the unattainable aspect.

The second type goes beyond the unattainable and relishes in the infatuation aspect of a crush. I believe it to be the more intense of the two varieties. This particular type of crush isn’t satisfied with admiring from a distance and desires romance.

The first thing you should do is ask yourself which of the two types of crush you have. If it’s the first type, that may very well be enough left alone—a delicious revisit to childhood with an accelerating heartbeat, a fancy that will eventually pass. If it’s the second type, why not address it further? Try dropping subtle hints… or even not-so-subtle hints sprinkled with a dash of flirtatiousness.

Sit back and figure out what it is, if anything, you’d like to come out of this crush and then take the appropriate action. The last thing you’ll want is regret as a result of misapplied inaction.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Confused,

Your history of sexual abuse has most likely played its role in your perception of relationships, your seeming inability to connect on a physical level, yes. That’s no reason, however, to give up hope for a healthy, committed relationship.

You’re 24, have had two relationships, and two crushes. There’s nothing abnormal or incorrect about that; sounds like a fair number and natural to me. We’re all very different and in very different ways. Everyone’s life is unique, everyone’s tastes are varied, and we all express ourselves differently. I, myself, was a late bloomer in that respect… to the point where some of my relatives assumed I was gay because I wasn’t as open or expressive about my crushes at the age of 12 as my sisters and cousins were. Relationships aren’t a game and there is no high score or checklist of things that should be compared to contemporaries. In the end, relationships are about what makes each of us happy, not about proverbial notches on the bedpost.

I don’t believe that people “become gay” as a result of abuse. The notion that one gender is inherently more prone to being abusive than the other doesn’t hold water. People are people, regardless of gender—a monster is a monster. Is it possible that there could be a correlation? Sure. People being attracted to both genders falls more in line with personal tastes, though. I, for one, could never “become gay”; I just don’t like dudes that way.

Based on what I’ve read in your letter, I don’t think you’re asexual. You enjoy orgasms and, therefore, are not “without sexual feelings or associations^[1]“. The fact that they’re easier to achieve on your own doesn’t mean you’re asexual.

There is, indeed, hope for you (to use your words) and I don’t believe that you’re incapable of connecting on a physical level. The fact that you want to do so means that you’re fully able. With the history of abuse you’ve described it seems only natural that you might have hesitations or difficulty in maintaining a physical relationship, but that’s not the end of the world and not any reason whatsoever to abandon hope.

Do what makes you happy, what makes you at peace and comfortable in life. Patience is, as is often said, a virtue. There is no need to force or rush anything. The day may come when you’ll cross paths with someone and enjoy every syrupy, romantic cliché. It also might not. That’s no reason to give up if it doesn’t, though. Live every day and enjoy living it. You’re 24. You have many wonderful years ahead of you. Everything in due time.

A few Christmases ago, my mom gave me a rather timely gift. She took a quote from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden, decorated it ornately and framed it. I think it might apply to your situation.

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar