On May 27, 2009, at 4:33 PM, Harry P. Alms wrote:

It’s been 4 years since I’ve had a girl friend and would like to have one. I date and meet peo­ple, but noth­ing has even remotely worked out.

Any advice in how to get a girl­friend? Should I try Inter­net dat­ing sites?

Thank you,
Harry P. Alms

Harry P. Alms,

To be hon­est, there isn’t really any sort of sure-fire way to achieve what it is you’re ask­ing for. It’s an incred­i­ble com­bi­na­tion of per­son­al­ity, sta­bil­ity, per­ceived appear­ances, and luck, all of which carry their own vari­ables depend­ing on the poten­tial part­ner you may or may not be pur­su­ing with luck rank­ing as the most dif­fi­cult to have any sort of con­trol over. Besides, I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, be it through advice given to you from oth­ers or advice you’ve given to others.

If there’s one thing you can do to increase any chance you might have with some­one whom you’d like to begin a rela­tion­ship, it’s to sub­scribe to com­plete hon­esty. And I don’t mean to sim­ply be hon­est about past actions or sce­nar­ios or behav­iors (which is some­thing you should be hon­est about any­way), but really to be hon­est with and about your feel­ings. You have to both trust and show that you trust. You have to let go of fear.

Let­ting go of fear, espe­cially when it comes to rela­tion­ships, is a very big deal. To open one­self takes a great deal of courage and leaves one vul­ner­a­ble. Many peo­ple miss out on great oppor­tu­ni­ties based on a fear of rejec­tion, play­ing into a head-game that is both cycli­cal and disabling.

I’m going to quote the Bible. It, along with var­i­ous other scrip­tures rooted in var­i­ous sects of the­ol­ogy and phi­los­o­phy, is a pretty incred­i­ble source of wisdom—regardless of whether or not one sub­scribes to the beliefs asso­ci­ated with it.

There is no fear in love. But per­fect love dri­ves out fear, because fear has to do with pun­ish­ment. The one who fears is not made per­fect in love.

1 John 4:18

As for your sec­ond ques­tion, why not? I per­son­ally haven’t given them a shot, but I do know peo­ple who have and they’ve had vary­ing degrees of suc­cess. You see, dat­ing sites are really just another oppor­tu­nity to meet new people—people you’d most likely not meet oth­er­wise. And based on what you’ve said, about hav­ing been dat­ing and meet­ing peo­ple, it would seem that a dat­ing site might be worth look­ing into. Hell, why not include speed dat­ing or sin­gles par­ties into the equa­tion? It’s sound­ing like the pool of peo­ple that you’re meet­ing and/or dat­ing is not broad enough.

You’re already get­ting out there, now it’s time to get out even further.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

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