Archive for April, 2009

Tired of Last Minute Stuff,

First of all, I definitely hear you about the last-minute stuff—especially so late on a Friday. That’s pretty ridiculous.

With regards to your question about whether or not you’re a douche, I’m going to say that you aren’t. The thing is, you didn’t make her cry as much as it was her decision to cry.

She and her organization seem competent enough to make necessary arrangements ahead of time in order to ensure a smooth event, seeing as how everything else seemed to be taken care of. There is nothing out of the ordinary in your department’s asking for sufficient lead time in order for you to be prepared. What if all of your AV equipment had already been accounted for and in use during this scholarship banquet? What then? And, sure, you may have given her what you call “a hard time”, but that in no way warrants tears—save any physical threats or violence. Beyond that, you still went out of your way to provide the requested equipment which resulted in extending your work day even though you were under no obligation to do so.

You, dear reader, are no douche. I submit, rather, that it is this girl who is the douche. Her decision to cry was unreasonable and unwarranted. You are not responsible for that and there is no reason for you to feel any guilt—especially since you went ahead and supplied her organization with their last-minute request.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

KissNtell,

Did the heavens just open up? What is this commotion a-rumblin’ in my pants? I feel fevered and flushed! How is there NOT a Facebook fan page for this?!!?!

Ahem. Well, then. Yes. The matter at hand. It’s obvious that you have a big heart. You surround yourself with great people you care deeply about (mostly) and, as a result, are filled with love. It’s an abundance of joy that you feel the need to express and share. There is nothing odd about it.

It’s the manner in which we choose to express ourselves that help define us for others. Do you have to totally make-out with EVERYone? Maybe not. Are polite, amicable kisses acceptable? Sure! Every culture out there handles these differently, whether it’s a kiss on either cheek or a small peck on the lips. Express yourself as you see fit, be it through words or actions.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Playa P. (what-what?!),

Your “friends” S and W are, simply put, haters. Seriously. Good intentions won’t get J laid. They could have planned that until their faces turned blue and it would have all been for nothing—which it has been. I mean, let’s be real: if it wasn’t you who got to totally hit it off with Young Lady, someone else would have. Period. End of story.

You took the initiative. You’ve gone out on the date. You look forward to seeing her again. J doesn’t even have a clue! J is not missing out on anything. J chose to watch Twilight and eat ice cream (LAAAAAAAME!!!). S and W are being childish, moronic, and unbelievably infantile. Seriously.

SERiously.

There is NO such thing as McRibs-by-Proxy when it comes to dating/hooking up. You either call it yourself or you don’t. If J needs to get some, J needs to not hang out with platonic friends. And if J isn’t worried about getting some enough that J can hang out with platonic friends and be lame, then S and W shouldn’t make it their business. Double. Yoo. Tee. Eff.

Ugh.

Godspeed, Playa P.; you have done well. S and W can sukut.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Bonerama,

The first question you need to ask is if the object of your affection is attracted to your gender. Yes? Perfect.

The second thing you need to find out is whether or not this pop star is an ass (wo)man or a boob (wo)man. If they’re an ass (wo)man, you may still be in the running and would simply need to wear something that shows off your fabulous glutes while sashaying like Jane Mansfield.

If they’re a boob (wo)man, what kind of boob (wo)man are they? There’s a common misconception that bigger is better. That’s not always the case! Have you seen that crazy chick that crushes cans and melons with her egregiously insane 46H gazongas?!!?! NOT sexy. No. Stop it. Bad. Bad. You see, the female breastasis come in all shapes, sizes, colors, hardness and grippiness—much like skate wheels! Be comfortable with what you have and work it.

Of course you can always just whisper the following in their ear: “I’ve wanted to bone you hard for the last 18 years.” The right level of confidence can be an amazing aphrodisiac.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar

Sleepless In An Old Fogie’s Home,

When in Rome, do as the Romans do! I’m certain your employer would understand. Allow me to paint a scenario:

Employer: “HEY!!!”

SIAOFH: “Gah!”

Emp.: “What do you think you’re doing?!”

SIAOFH: “I’m taking a nap—doye.”

Emp: “On MY dime?!!”

SIAOFH: “Well, not quite. I’m on my break. Besides, I’m very sleepy and if you want me to perform at my peak then it would be in your best interest to allow me some nap time. Furthermore, I should be allowed to do so while watching Cocoon. It’s in my contract.”

Oh, yeah, you’ll want to go back in time and put a clause in your contract that allows you to take naps during work hours. If that’s not possible, save your nap for your breaks—preferably during an extended break like your lunch break.

Just my $0.02
Julius Pleasar